Saturday 3rd October 2009
UniBond Premier Division
Kendal Town 0 Kings Lynn 1
Tea hut purchase: Kendal do not have a tea hut
Weather: Blustery chilly day with showers and sunny spells
Parking: Town centre car park £3.50p, ten minute walk What had been forecast as the UniBond match of the day turned out to be a real turkey (no disrespect to Bernard Mathews intended). The terms dirge, drudge and dross sum up this sad excuse of a football match. The windy remnants of the passing weather front played havoc with the chosen elementary tactics based on hoof, hope and lets all run after the ball. Either the respective managers had decided that their players could not adapt to a short passing game or the lads were simply not capable of executing football befitting the conditions. Kings Lynn took all 3 points from what looked a nailed-on bore-draw and it will doubtless appease Carl Heggs the fiery Linnets boss from rollicking his charges all the way back to Norfolk. Unfortunately Heggsy spent the afternoon in the stand, there was a rumour he was banned from the touchline, this spoiled the usual touchline entertainment as Carl often grows more and more potty the longer the match progresses. All I could see today was his outline in the stand as he kept jumping up and down shouting and pointing at anybody in ear-shot. A stewards nightmare. Lee Ashcroft, the Town boss tried to liven up the game by calling the officials something nearing the truth and he was promptly sent off for his honesty, Lee tried to continue watching the match from the crowd but the ref wanted him in the dressing room, poor Lee had to walk all the way around the ground past a jovial mini-bus full of beered up Kings Lynn supporters, not nice. You could clearly hear Lee taking his anger out on his sandwich box and the flask his Auntie had provided him with as the bangs and crashes rang out from beneath the wooden stand. Other memorable moments from the afternoon were provided by watching falling leaves dance in the wind before coming to rest on the lush green pitch but I got bored with this after a while. As Kendal Town do not have a tea hut (something I was kindly pre-warned about by a supporter before my visit) I was pleasantly surprised to find some children selling soft drinks, mars bars, home made biscuits and Kendal mint cake from some tables beneath one of the tin sheds. I got the only bottle of water on offer and they only charged me a pound, lets hope the club can get some proper tea hut stuff in order for the near future (they could rope in some two-fat-lady types to give it that Gateway to the Lakes feel). Another bright interlude to this match of doom was watching the lad who acts as ball boy enforcer climb an old pair of wooden ladders up and over the adjacent cemetery wall to rummage around the graves for the match ball, the back four of Kings Lynn were certainly keeping him busy, the safety officer just shook his head and smiled. As the teams carried on hoofing and failing to time simple passes the locals became more and more fed up, narky and grumbly. The referee wasn't helping by lecturing everybody at length and endlessly disrupting any faint chance of open play. As the final whistle blew everybody seemed to heave a sigh of relief...at last the ordeal was over. I forgetfully let out a statement of "garbage", a bloke nearby heard me "wasn't it just" he agreed, "I wont be back to watch this shower of sh***" for a few months" he politely exclaimed.....oh dear, time to go and find the car.